(Not) Record Store Day 2015

 

Desi and Marnie in happier days (Photo © HBO)
Desi and Marnie in happier times (Photo © HBO)

 

(FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE — APRIL 1) Record Store Day is April 18, 2015, and this year’s celebration of independent music sellers promises to be the best ever. Why? Because Record Store Day 2015 Ambassador Dave Grohl is included FREE with every purchase!  At last, you won’t have to endure the wait for Dave’s TV appearances, which can sometimes occur hours apart!  The inexhaustible Foo Fighters frontman will come to your house, wherever you are, and do whatever you want! He’ll organize your vinyl collection so the rare stuff is placed in just the right spot for your friends to notice your awesome taste –not too near to the top, where it looks like you’re trying too hard, but not buried in the back of the crate, either. He’ll clean out your garage. He’ll drive Grandma to the foot doctor. He’ll even DJ at your daughter’s bat mitzvah. And he’ll do it all with a big toothy smile, because that’s the way he rolls! And best of all, he won’t leave!  You can hint, you can plead, you can even call the cops, but how much do you wanna bet the cops end up jamming with him? His energy is THAT infectious!

Here are some late additions not really to the totally fake list of Record Store Day 2015 special releases, as of April 1 get it?:

Various Artists, Saturday Afternoon at the Guitar Center. An exclusive compilation of live performances by the best unsigned musicians around!  Tracks include some of the guitar solo from “Ain’t Talkin’ ’bout Love” by the retired firefighter down the street; the opening notes of “Stairway to Heaven” by the guy who gives guitar lessons at the Senior Center; something that might be “Master of Puppets,” it’s hard to tell, by the scary Peterson kid; a three-year-old having a tantrum on the floor while her brother pounds on a djembe;  the intro to “Crazy Train” by that weird guy over there in the Slayer T-shirt; and the chords to “Heart of Gold” by your mom. Each album comes with a commemorative extended warranty and a ukulele.

U2, Songs of Innocence (Deluxe Version with 10 Bonus Tracks). FREE to anyone who visits a local independent music seller on Record Store Day! You don’t even have to buy anything to receive this exclusive gift from the legendary Irish rockers;  just cross the threshold of a record store and it’s yours! Seriously, you will not be allowed to leave the premises until you’ve accepted your copy. Too busy to stop by? No worries! We’ll find you! We have your Apple accounts! We know where you live! Slainte!

Various Artists, Lost in Greenpoint: The Songs of Desi and Marnie.  Producer T Bone Burnett and a host of roots-ish superstars celebrate the short-lived but influential Brooklyn duo whose sound defined modern American folk music with an indie edge. Or were they more, like, “She & Him” with actual romance? You decide! Guided by newly discovered demos recorded during the duo’s heyday in the early-2015’s, Lost in Greenpoint is a vision of what might have been if Desi hadn’t disappeared right before the couple’s big record company showcase. Features Desi and Marnie’s timeless words and music performed by Mumford and Sons (“Song for Marcus Garvey”), Bon Iver (“Oaxaca Blues”),  the Decemberists (“Rattlesnake Cowgirl”), Of Monsters and Men (“Kokopelli Shelly”) and First Aid Kit (“Whoa, Wow, Wonderful”), among others, as well as a bonus track (“Close Up”) by 12-time Grammy-winning solo artist Marnie herself. (Desi, who now fronts a Lumineers cover band, refused to participate in the project, citing “negative energy”. Plus, he’s just a big douche.) This exclusive Record Store Day release features passionate liner notes by the mayor of New York City, Ray Ploshansky.

The Estate of Marvin Gaye, You’ve Been Served: The Lawsuit Album. Includes remixes, greatest hits and unreleased cease and desist orders against Prince, Usher, Justin Timberlake and the estate of Michael Jackson.

Bruce Springsteen, The First Seven Albums: The Remastered Remasters of the Remasters. Are you a Springsteen fan in your 40s who wishes you were born 10 years earlier? Are you an older fan who dreams of going back to your youth, when life still sucked, but not as much as it sucks now? Well, this Record Store Day, you can finally purchase Greetings from Asbury Park (1973) through Born in the USA (1984) in a vinyl format that faithfully reproduces the experience of listening to the Boss’s seminal albums of the ’70s and ’80s — just as if it were the ’70s and ’80s! All seven albums are re-released on crap-quality floppy vinyl distressed with pops and skips. Authentic smudges of Clearasil, burger grease and human tears adorn the covers, poignant reminders of that time Bruce helped get you through some really heavy shit. Super-collectible random copies feature the name of an older sibling scrawled in ballpoint pen on the top left back corner.

Record Store Day wouldn’t be complete without these exclusive singles and reissues!

  •  50 Cent featuring Ringo Starr (“Hey Kanye, I Have a Beatle Too!” b/w “Octopus’s Garden”)
  • George Ezra featuring Dave Matthews and a screaming goat (the folk classic “Wimoweh” b/w a cover of Focus’s “Hocus Pocus”)
  • The 20th anniversary reissue of Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?,” the Oscar nominated theme song to the Johnny Depp-Marlon Brando classic Don Juan DeMarco. The limited edition single features Adams’ original track on one side and a newly discovered version by Depp (with Brando on bongos) on the other.
  • The 20th anniversary reissue of “Peaches” by The Presidents of the United States of America, b/w the dub step remix. Pressed on cannabis-resin vinyl.

Do you miss those classic all-star charity releases of the ’80s? Well, this year’s Record Store Day includes TWO exciting new supergroup projects for a good cause! Jay Z, Beyonce, Kanye West, Madonna, Jack White and many others join forces under the banner of Artists United Against Spotify for an exclusive single! “Do They Know It’s Christmas (and There Ain’t No Santa Claus)?” b/w “I’m Just a Water Bill” aims to raise money for impoverished millionaire music-makers while also teaching them basic life skills. Available in two limited-edition vinyl formats: 200 gram pressing ($20) and paper plate with grooves drawn on it in Magic Marker ($10).  Meanwhile, Dick Aid features Eminem, Robin Thicke, Chris Brown, Adam Levine and more in an all-star benefit for victims of feminism. This special four-and-a-half-inch single features the Dick Aid anthem “We Own the World” b/w a Diplo remix of “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman?” All proceeds will be donated to the Bill Cosby Defense Fund.

(Record Store Day is April 18, 2015 — for real. You can find the complete list of actual RSD 2015 releases here.

©Joyce Millman, The Mix Tape, 2015

Flashback (April 1, 2014): Record Store Day, the updated list of releases

 

The Boss has two exclusive new releases for Record Store Day!
The Boss is represented by TWO exclusive new releases for Record Store Day!

In no particular order:

CHRIS MARTIN, GOOP ON THE TRACKS. The Coldplay frontman’s heart-wrenching first solo release, inspired by his uncoupling from Gwyneth Paltrow. Includes the epic “Tangled Up in Goop.” Pressed on compostable vinyl.

KANYE WEST AND KIM KARDASHIAN, WEDDING ALBUMA Record Store Day exclusive! Kim and Kanye prove that they’re more than just “Kimye” with an album of stunningly avant-garde experimental music. Side one consists of the couple calling each other’s name for 22 minutes. Side two is a 30-minute extended remix of Kim’s dance classic “Jam (Turn It Up).” Comes packaged as a souvenir wedding album containing a photocopy of the couple’s gift registry, a temporary tattoo of the Vogue cover and a coupon good for 20% off the Kardashian Collection at Sears. The deluxe picture disc version (first 500 pressings) illustrates the scene from the “Bound 2” video where they have sex on a motorcycle.

VARIOUS ARTISTS, WORKING ON A DREAM:  SOME OTHER SONGS OF BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN. A star-studded lineup interprets the songs that were left off of all the previous Bruce Springsteen tribute albums. Artists include Arcade Fire (“Queen of the Supermarket”), Mumford and Sons (“Outlaw Pete”), Robin Thicke featuring Pharrell and T.I. (“Reno”) and the Kidz Bop Kids (“Waitin’ on a Sunny Day”).

ELVIS COSTELLO AND THE KLEZMATICS, ALMOST JEW. He’s made a country record, written a classical ballet score and, most recently, recorded a hip-hop album with the Roots. Now, just in time for Passover, Elvis Costello breaks another musical boundary in a bold collaboration with Grammy-winning Yiddish music masters, the Klezmatics. You don’t have to be Jewish to dig these Klezmerized reworkings of some of Costello’s greatest songs — but it helps if you like clarinets!  The Seder table will be rocking to tracks like “Hebrew National Ransom,” “This Year’s Mohel” and “(What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Peace, Love and Unleavened Bread.” Produced by T Bone Burnett’s cousin, Shank Bone.

VARIOUS ARTISTS, YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE SEPARATING. If you want to hear the hottest bands around, as curated by New York club legend Stefon, I know just the record for you. This album has everything:  Diarrhea Planet, Bear Hands, Bosnian Rainbows, Quilt, Lady Lamb the Beekeeper, Leprechauns with Hep C, Furtlenecks, Hoomba, Yeti-Cab, A Shaved Lion that Looks like Mario Batali, Human Fanny Pack, DJ Baby Bok Choy, Teddy Graham People, Donald Duck Having a Vietnam Nightmare. Pressed on Ecstasy-flavored vinyl.

DESITIN’S CHILD, BOOBYLICIOUS. The long-awaited debut 12″ from second-generation superstars Blue Ivy Carter and North West! The baby-ladies bring it with their sassy dance hit about needing mommy’s breast milk — RIGHT NOW! Backed with the DJ Baby Bok Choy remix featuring British rapper Li’l Prince George.

THE LUMINEERS, YOU ARE GETTING VERY SLEEPY. Seventy minutes of “Ho Hey” on one limited edition CD. Rolling Stone calls it “hypnotic white noise.” Pitchfork hails it as “sonic Propofol.” The Better Sleep Council says, “Guaranteed to cure even the toughest case of insomnia.” Comes with exclusive Record Store Day eye mask.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN, STUFF I FOUND ON A FLASH DRIVE IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT. The Boss continues to delve into his vast cache of unreleased material for this Record Store Day exclusive. According to the Springsteen-penned liner notes, the four-song EP came about when “I was eating a Doritos Locos Taco Supreme in the car (don’t tell Patti!) and I needed a napkin, so I opened up the glove box and – whoa! There it was! Half of a Subway foot-long Meatball Marinara! And this flash drive.” The four tracks are: “Love at the 7-Eleven,” “Outlaw Pete Comes Back,” the “Laverne and Shirley” theme song (recorded live at Miller Park in Milwaukee, WI in 2003) and a cover of “Shaddap You Face,” the 1980 chart-topper by Australia’s Joe Dolce, recorded in Springsteen’s dressing room at the Melbourne arena on the E Street Band’s recent Australian tour. “I would have opened the show with it,” writes Springsteen, “if the band hadn’t locked me in my dressing room.”

DAFT PUNK, IT’S THE MOTHERSHIP, CHARLIE BROWN. The long-awaited reissue of the robotic duo’s soundtrack album for a Peanuts special that never aired. The storyline for the special was no great departure from the successful formula of previous hits like It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and It’s the Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown — the Peanuts gang doesn’t believe Charlie when he says that the end of the world is nigh and they must all prepare for the arrival of the aliens. So why was it never shown? Well, as any schoolchild could tell you, CBS was forced to cancel the show just two days before the scheduled broadcast, when the human race was attacked by extraterrestrial destroyer ships. Network bosses deemed the timing of the special “too soon.” The soundtrack album, however, went on to achieve modest success in France, while Daft Punk continues to enjoy a long reign as Our Supreme Robotic Overlords, long may they prosper, die humans die.

(Record Store Day is Saturday, April 19 — for real. Head to your local indie record store and check out this year’s  special vinyl releases and celebrate the joy of buying music in a form that you can hold in your hands.)

©Joyce Millman, The Mix Tape, 2014