Masterpiece Sad Trombone


(Warning: This piece is chock full of spoilers.)

It’s 9 o’clock on a Sunday night/Masterpiece Classic is such a delight/ the clothes are divine, the Abbey is fine/ but just when it seems you’ll have happy dreams … wah-wah-wah … It’s Debbie Downton!

Lady Mary is attracted to cousin Matthew Crawley, her father’s heir to Downton!  Now the estate will stay in the family, because, surely, nothing could ever keep Mary and Matthew apart!  It’s not as if Lady Mary is too full of herself to let Matthew know she’s in love with him. Or as if Matthew will find himself a pallid heiress to become engaged to. Or as if a world war will break out, and Matthew will go missing in battle and turn up paralyzed, unable to have children, but still engaged to the pallid heiress, who will then die, removing the last obstacle to Lady Mary and Matthew’s happiness. No, Matthew and Mary are destined to be together, sans heartbreaking complications, forever and ever! Look, she’s given birth to a son and heir named George! And Matthew has a new car! Downton Abbey never disappoints!  It’s the most heartwarming romantic saga ever!

Lady Edith has a suitor!

Isn’t it swoon-worthy that Lady Sybil could see beyond class divisions and fall in love with her Irish chauffeur Tom Branson? And now they’re married and she’s going to have a baby!  It was so moving when crusty, elitist Lord Grantham finally accepted Tom into the family, so that Tom and Sybil didn’t have to live in shame in Ireland anymore. Ooh, Sybil’s in labor! Push, Sybil!  Focus on your breathing!  Oh, this is the happiest love story ever!

Lady Edith has a suitor!

Lady Grantham’s maid Anna is so sweet and plucky and her Yorkshire accent is adorable! Wasn’t it beautiful how Anna could see past manservant Bates’s disability and marry him, even though he was already married (but she didn’t know that)? And how she always firmly believed in Bates’s innocence when he was sentenced to life in prison for murdering his secret other wife?  And how Anna cleared his name by the sheer force of her sweetness and pluckiness? Well, that was a lot of drama for one couple to bear, wasn’t it?  Thank goodness there won’t be any out-of-nowhere, ill-conceived, shocking plot developments ahead for Mr. and Mrs. Bates! Downton Abbey would never do that to us!

Lady Edith has a suitor!

©Joyce Millman, The Mix Tape, 2014

3 thoughts on “Masterpiece Sad Trombone

    • Joyce Millman January 18, 2014 / 4:58 pm

      Eerily perfect! (Perfectly eerie?)

      • laurajpeterson January 19, 2014 / 8:25 pm

        The truth, as they say, is out there! 🙂

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