The Category: Old Metal Band Relevant Only to White Guys Over the Age of 50. The Nominee: Deep Purple.
The Category: Old Prog-Rock Band Relevant Only to White Guys Over the Age of 50. The Nominee: Yes.
The Category: Hugely Influential Pop Band Some Old White Guys Still Have a Grudge Against, but It’s Starting to Look Suspicious, So It’s Probably Time to Let Them In. The Nominee: KISS
The Category: British Invasion Group Pretty Far Down the List After the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, the Kinks, the Animals, the Who, the Dave Clark Five, the Hollies and the Yardbirds. The Nominee: The Zombies
The Category: Male Rappers Old White Guys Are Down With, While Continuing to Ignore Salt-N-Pepa. The Nominee(s): N.W.A., LL Cool J
The Category: Staggeringly Influential, Perennially Nominated Non-White Group Old White Guys Keep Passing Over Because They’re Too Busy Inducting Guns ‘n Roses and Rush. The Nominee(s): Chic, The Meters
The Category: Completely Pleasant but Inconsequential-in-the-Grand-Scheme-of-Things White Male Singer-Songwriter. The Nominee: Cat Stevens
The Category: Token Female. The Nominee: Linda Ronstadt
The Category: Badass Pioneering Rock and Roll Guitarist Who Invented the Power Chord and That Twangy Sound on “Rumble”, Who Should Totally Be in the Hall of Fame and I’m Not Kidding. The Nominee: Link Wray
The Category: Blues Guy Beloved of Old White Guys, but Not, Apparently, By Enough of Them to Vote Him in Before. The Nominee: Paul Butterfield Blues Band
The Category: Kate Bush’s Mentor (but not Kate Bush). The Nominee: Peter Gabriel
The Category: White Guy(s) Who Had Some Hits in the ’80s, but Are Not Warren Zevon, Because It Would Make Too Much Sense for a GODDAMNED CERTIFIED ROCK AND ROLL POET* like Warren Zevon to Be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. The Nominee(s): Hall and Oates.
*Zevon deserves to be in the Hall of Fame for the alliterative brilliance of “Little old lady got mutilated late last night” alone.
The Category: Outsider Indie Band You Listened to in Your Youth, Whose Music Is Now Considered Insider Enough to Be in the Hall of Fame, and, Oh God, the Midlife Depression, How It Settles Over You Like a Dark, Suffocating Blanket of Decay and Death. The Nominee(s): The Replacements, Nirvana
©Joyce Millman, The Mix Tape, 2013