1. Bruce Springsteen (“The Boss”) is a prolific and beloved rock singer from New Jersey who doesn’t usually reenact the airport security scene from “This Is Spinal Tap” in concert, so I don’t know what was up with that.
2. Brian Williams is an actual newsman pretending to be a comedian.
3. Jon Stewart is an actual comedian pretending to be a newsman.
4. Jimmy Fallon is the secret love child of Brian Williams and Jon Stewart.
5. The Rolling Stones are a British band that has been making music for 50 years, although, strangely, most people can’t name any Stones song recorded after 1981. Fun facts: Lead guitarist Keith Richards’ blood is 100 percent Jack Daniels. Singer Mick Jagger is actually a humanoid piece of beef Jerky. It’s true!
6. Roger Waters was in a band called Pink Floyd. During the 12-12-12 show, Waters performed songs from “The Wall,” Pink Floyd’s massively popular “concept album” (like “Trapped in the Closet,” but longer) which decries the British educational system and its withholding of dessert as a form of child abuse.
7. Eric Clapton is a blues-rock guitar legend who sometimes performs in character as the Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime Tea bear.
8. Jon Bon Jovi is a New Jersey rock singer who is not Bruce Springsteen.
9. You’re probably wondering why Alicia Keys was the only woman in the lineup. Me too! On the bright side, we were spared the awkward moment when Madonna and Kanye West showed up wearing the same outfit.
10. Billy Joel is a Long Island rock singer who is not Bruce Springsteen.
11. The Who, another classic British rock band, started recording together in the 1960s. Ask your grandparents if they’ll let you borrow their copy of “Live at Leeds.” (They probably won’t.) Of the four original members of the Who, two are now deceased. The three replacement members are known as “The Who Are They?” Although he is still alive, singer Roger Daltrey was mysteriously absent from the concert and replaced by an elderly Jewish man from Miami Beach AS IF WE WOULDN’T NOTICE!
12. Paul McCartney is Dave Grohl’s father.
© Joyce Millman, The Mix Tape, 2012